In Need of The Annual Retreat

For several years, I have taken a weekend getaway to Ft. Bragg, CA around my birthday; my well deserved gift to myself.

Hmmmm...the serenity of the rugged coastline, the distinct scent of salt in the air, and the touch of mist on my skin provided when the wind blows a sprinkle of ocean my way as the waves crest.

I stay at the Oceanview Lodge...a little spendy, but the view is worth every penny. As is the gas fireplace and large jacuzzi tub in the room. I was unable to "get away" last year, and it looks like this year's retreat will be on hold until the powers that be decide whether I remain employed and/or when I can receive my state income tax refund, currently held at the State level for 30 days (or more if truth be told).

My heart longs for that connection that can only be found at the coast. Until I am able to make it happen, I will have to revisit Ft. Bragg in my scrapbooks. I wrote a poem exactly three years ago today, Feb 20, 2006 to express my need for a pending coastal trip. The feelings I had then, when I wrote it, fully describe my oceanic need today.



Neptune
Neptune, Roman mythology's "God Of The Sea"
Your vast tidal reign beckons me
My soul longs for your ocean's roar
Seeking serenity only the sea can restore
Neptune, my ruler of the innermost me
Quench my Piscean thirst with a drink of your sea

Hey You! Get Off Of My Cloud!

I've been in the Home Office this entire week, and what a reprieve! My brain was becoming heavily overloaded with new data. Now I can defrag and cruise through the tasks I complete on a regular basis. But...being in the Home Office has its advantages and its disadvantages.

Advantages:

• My own office with a door to close...if that should be needed.
• Music (mostly 80s and classic rock with the occasional throwback to disco and occasional toss forward to 90s and current tunes)...and I play it at the maximum level the rest of the office can tolerate.
• A great group of co-workers and a boss that is the most understanding, compassionate, and forgiving man I have ever worked with/for.
  

Disadvantages:

• Comfortability (yes - that is a disadvantage as my brain isn't as challenged as it needs to be right now).
• A know-it-all co-worker who has a bite that leaves a little bit more than a sting!

With my new Home and Corporate Office schedules in place (2 Home/3 Corporate), this is the first week I've been in the Home Office for 4 days in a row (Monday was a holiday). Ms. Know It All has really tested my last nerve yesterday and today and I'm not "co-working" as best as I can. I'm starting to snap back. Example:

Ms. Know It All - "Where do you want this filed?" as she puts a document into an established folder.

Ms. Tolerates It Better Than I Can - "In the folder marked XYZ."

Ms. Know It All - "Well...heh-heh-heh (think of a somewhat demonic style of wicked laughter when you read heh-heh-heh)...do you want it in the front or the back?"

Ms. Tolerates It Better Than I Can - "I don't know. Just put it in the folder."

Ms. Butts My Nose Right In! (guess who) - "Well if you pull out the folder and look through it, you can probably see how she likes it filed."

Ms. Know It All - "I know!" in a snotty tone.

Ms. Butts My Nose Right In! (acting like I'm talking to one of my kids when they were their snotty teens) "I KNOW YOU KNOW" stated in a snottier tone.

I retreat to my office, frustrated that I said "I know you know". What is up with that? What I should have said was "If you know...then why are you asking?". I want to scream. I want to run. I want to run someone over. I want to yell "Just SHUT UP! Please!!!!!"

And then...just as I'm walking into my office, the Stones are playing and the stanza melodically making my statement for me as I smile in silence? Could I have said it any better?

"Hey Hey You You...Get Off Of My Cloud"

A Child's Discovery

Reflecting on a recent afternoon spent with my granddaughter, I am reminded that simplicity can be found in a child's discovery. That afternoon Jolee discovered her "shadow". She would move about in an attempt to see if her shadow would move with her. She would point at her shadow and say "ooooo". Then she tried to sit on her shadow, I guess to see if she could hide it. And then right in the middle of this discovery, came a new one. There were people walking their dogs, and there were cats running by. This held a far greater importance than playing with her shadow. Jolee now was on a discovery to find out where the cat ran off to, and where did the people and their dogs go. We would walk up one way and then the other until the cats and dogs were no longer in sight. All the while, Jolee shouting out her exhuberance with "ooooo"s and "aaaahhhh"s. Jolee is fiercely independent and "walking" with Gramma didn't hold a lot of excitement. Running away from Gramma was far more entertaining!

Observing this precious little girl, not yet 17 months old, opened my eyes yet again to all things possible.

• Attitude: You have to have attitude to get you through the frustration of learning new things.
• Independence: You need to try taking the next step without someone holding your hand...just to see if you can.
• Observation: It's important to cultivate "quiet" so you can take in the sights, sounds, and smells that are all around us, most of which go unnoticed.
• Entertainment: Sometimes the simplest forms of entertainment can create the best kind of laughter, at no cost and with no expectation.

Working It Out and Working It Through

The arrival of January in a New Year presented a wonderful opportunity for me to get healthy. I was given a fabulous gift of health club membership for one month. Mind you, I am fully aware of my weaknesses, both emotionally and physically. Most of which involve some method of copping out on “follow through” and “completion”. I immediately knew how attack this weakness. I signed on for the remaining 11 months of the year. 1 year membership. 12 months of healthy fitness. 21 days to a new habit. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Come to find out…all that self cheer (you know, the rah rah sis boom bah self affirming positive statements) worked great the second week of January. For about three days. Since then, time has passed. And my aggressive approach to bettering myself fell by the wayside as days and weeks passed between visits.

Recognizing my need to work things out right now, I headed out to the gym yesterday. What a great way to take advantage of a paid day off from work…as well as bringing closure to this long running “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired” mindset I’ve been living with on a regular basis. Do some cardio, weight training, sweat it out in the steam room and relax in the Jacuzzi. Maybe even grab a swim. Ahhhh yes. This will help. This will help immensely. And it did.

Now it’s Tuesday. You know, the day after working out. Less than 24 hours later. Everything hurts. Everything hurts everywhere. All over my body. I think somehow I overworked my pinky finger – it hurts too. Is that pain radiating from my big toe? What weight machine would cause my big toe to hurt? I hate to say it but I think my hair hurts and I’m quite certain working out had something to do with it. I can barely lift my cup of coffee to take a sip much less put my coat on (that requires way too much major movement). Standing outside in the rain, drenched and shivering, seems like a more viable option as opposed to moving my arms and twisting my body just to put on my coat. Wait - shivering involves body movement. So much for that option!

But here’s the really cool thing…I’m working it out and working it through. Getting to the gym is incredibly tough…but once I’m there I feel so good. And feeling good comes with hard work! And a few uncomfortable moments. So what if my upper body strength is equivalent to a 2 year old as I grunt and groan desperately trying to complete 3 sets of 10 reps at 10 pounds (my sister is at 40 pounds on the same machine-go figure). So what if the leg press machine requires me to sit in a physical position that bears an all too familiar resemblance to giving birth. So what if I look like a lost little puppy wandering through the equipment trying to find the correct tricep press machine. Was it upstairs? Was it downstairs?

But when the weight machines are done and the cardio work completed, I feel mentally stronger. I feel physically stronger. I feel like I can handle anything life is going to throw my way...as long as I don't have to lift it, pick it up, or hold it for any period of time.

Today is a "rest" day. Or at least that's what I'm calling it. And then tomorrow - back to the gym. I can do this. I really really really can do this. My stress levels demand that I do this. And it is going to feel soooooo good when I do.

Living Life Outside of the Cocoon

This past week has been extremely challenging...leaving no time for blogging, Facebook, reading emails, etc. Bouncing between two offices while learning new duties and trying to manage my current projects, has produced the usual results. I've come down sick...again...and have spent every minute trying to get through the work day only to come home midday and collapse. I pause to look at what is going on right now, internally and externally. Headlines and newscasts of 250 layoffs were broadcast Thursday. My "classification" group is unaffected yet...but there has been enough chatter going on around me for months that warns our group is next in line. I have worked in government and education for the past 18 years, and as a result, I've spent my life living inside a cocoon. Protected under a warm security blanket of union rights and seniority, prior years of layoffs have never affected me or those I work closely with. This is not the case now. Everything has changed. Everyone feels uncertain. Everyone is uptight. Everyone is expecting a "pink slip" fortelling the future of unemployment effective July 1st (if not much sooner). And like everyone else, I'm trying to get through this period of uncertainty as best I can, although it has taken a challenging toll on my physical well being.

What I've discovered is that the reality I've come to know for so long is now somewhat distorted. It's so easy to take life and its luxuries for granted when living inside a cocoon. It shelters you from the harsh outside elements. As I try to continue to weather the storms of other changes going on in my life...I now find that I need to take cover as best I can and try to ride out this storm of potential job loss. It is times like these that I need a constant reminder that God will never give me anything more than I can handle. No matter how much I doubt whether I can withstand the challenges I face.