Decisions are Made

The meeting has finally occurred. Everyone knows the final outcome of decisions made by management. Two will be laid off in 60 days. Another will be laid off in 6 months. I am still employed and will remain in my current position while taking on additional work. My department will be absorbed into another department and my split schedule between Home Office and Corporate Office will continue as it has been.

As I breathe a deep sigh of relief for myself, I see my co-workers in an openly expressed emotional state of shock, even though everyone expected this outcome. I guess you can prepare as best you can but when the hammer falls, it still lands with a resounding thud on those affected. Of four support positions in my department, I am the only one with a future. While I'm eternally grateful for this fact, it is with immense sadness I prepare for goodbyes not only to my boss who is moving on to other employment, but to my co-workers as well.

Me & the UFC

Last night I watched my first ever UFC fight on television. My mom had rented one of last year's fights on DVD...she's becoming a UFC fanatic and is catching up on fights she's missed.

I could have cared less about the actual fight as I abhor violence and UFC strikes me as the most violent type of boxing - wrestling - fist fighting sporting events (if that's what you want to call it) that I've ever seen. What interested me more was the chance to hang out with my family - my sis and nieces, my daughter, and mom and dad...and eat pizza and catch up with one another.

Well lo and behold! UFC is pretty darn interesting. I looked away during the times where one guy pounded the other's guy head repeatedly. That was too violent for me! But I was amazed to discover that this is a highly skilled sport. I had the UFC regulars (mom, dad, my niece and her boyfriend) detailing the sport for me as if I'm training to be a UFC fighter myself. It helped immensely, as I didn't comprehend a lot of the martial arts moves and I've never really been a fan of wrestling. The whole idea of sweaty men rolling around on the floor together with their faces and hands in all sorts of unspeakable places is very unappealing to me. Trust me, UFC has a lot of that business going on! Aside from that though, it was really cool! And what a blast we had hootin' and hollerin'...some of us going for one guy while the others rooted for the other. It was like our own private little sports bar.

I still can't believe how much I enjoyed this new family activity. I hope we're on for another "round" next weekend. I'm keeping my calendar clear just in case.

Feeling Kinda Funky

Yep...I'm feeling kinda funky. Not like I'm jamming to a great Rick James or Earth, Wind & Fire song. Not like I want to bust a move or something. I'm feeling the other kind of funky. Like something's amiss...like I've lost my center or something. I've pondered for hours this evening as to why I would feel this way, and as I write this I think "is it any wonder?"

I watched my boss pack up his personal items on Thursday, pictures and so forth. I just watched my sister do the same thing less than three weeks ago when she closed her business. These are two situations that that would cause anyone to be out of sorts.

I've worked with my boss for 6 & 1/2 years and he is amazing to work for. Always challenging me to think outside the box, to look at the bigger picture, and to never ever let my self-imposed boundaries limit my professional growth. As he prepares to move on to a much bigger and better employment opportunity, my co-workers and I are melancholy and somewhat frozen in time, as if our lack of movement or action will stop his departure.

My sister, an artist with hair, has been my stylist and my saving grace for a head full of unruly hair for almost 10 years now since I moved to Northern California. There are good stylists, and there are great stylists, but she is one of a kind. It has been nearly two months since her magical fingers have touched my hair...and I've spent that entire time in a recurring "what now" thought process. For some, a stylist is easy come easy go. But not me. When you've had the best, how can you go anywhere else? Maybe I'll let my hair grow out and I'll become one with the curls and craziness of my hair. Yeah, I don't think so.

Both situations involve grieving and change. More important than my sister being my stylist, is the fact that I've watched her work so hard for so long, only to have no other option than to close her business. The personal pain I felt during her decision making process, and shortly thereafter when she closed the doors for good, was for her. Not for me. The personal pain I feel with my boss' departure is for our entire office, not just for me.

Presently, I don't know what is going to happen in two weeks when the boss is gone. I have an idea who the interim boss will be, but thus far, no one has sat down with our office and directly informed us. Nor has anyone given us any idea as to the future of our department, which creates an uneasy edge that bleeds into every work day as it has for the past few months.

So many questions and no answers...still.

I think I'll put on some good music tomorrow and act silly and dance wildly around my house. Maybe if I give in to some funky grooves outwardly, it will help me snap out of the inner funky mood I've been in.

But right now...I need sleep and a chance to quiet my mind.

Change continues...

Admidst all the unknowns that exist in my employment, even the most constant of comfort was due for change. News came today that solidified what we all knew was coming. He is moving on. While the ground we stand on is somewhat shaky at present, at least actions will now be put into place with this departure of leadership. We will finally know if we are being moved to a safe haven, or if we will fall through the cracks as the grounds rumble and the department dissolves.

For now...I am patiently waiting.

Blackberries, Rain, and Led Zeppelin

I just finished my tasty and delectable treat of raspberries and blackberries for my mid-morning snack. Yummy! Led Zeppelin’s “No Quarter” plays in the background as the rain continues yet again another day here in Northern California. While eating my berries and listening to Led Zeppelin, I’m plucked right out of 2009 and thrown back in time.

It’s the mid to late 70’s and KISW - Seattle's Best Rock! is playing Led Zeppelin's “No Quarter”. It is early March in Maple Valley and it is raining again, a daily Western Washington weather occurrence during that time of year. Across Maple Valley Highway and the train tracks is one of my favorite places…the Cedar River. I would go there to sort things out in my head and mellow out when things in my world got intense. For a high school teenager, that intensity consisted of a boy not calling me as I had hoped he would, my mom and/or dad not letting me go out on a Friday or Saturday night, or an unresolved argument with a good friend at high school. I would escape to the river and get completely lost as I watched the rippling water travel the course of its natural flow as I tried to find the natural flow within me.

The blackberry bushes…(sighing)…the blackberry bushes were everywhere. If you could manage the poke of thorns while you tried to immerse yourself deep into the bushes to pick every single last one of the berries, the prize would be well worth each prickly effort. Plump, fresh, fully ripened, delicious blackberries. They were everywhere. Crawling up the rising banks of the Cedar River. On a hillside near one of my high school friend’s house. Anywhere along Maple Valley Highway. Near the train tressle.

Wild blackberries grew in abundance...everywhere.

Fresh blackberries.

FREE blackberries.

Even though I was an accomplished know-it-all at that age (sarcastically stated), the one thing I didn’t know was that fresh blackberries do not grow everywhere. I also didn't know that if I were find a bush later in life, such as 2009, I wouldn't dare touch it as there is no way of knowing what chemicals have been sprayed on the berry bushes to keep the various danger imposing insects and bees away. And I never dreamt I would actually pay money in a grocery store for berries that, while growing up, were so readily available, to the point that most people actually cut down their blackberry bushes in an attempt to contain the out of control and overgrowing foliage.

Flash forward to reality...right now…this moment…I close my eyes and as “No Quarter” ends, I lick my lips trying to find one last taste of blackberries.

(NOTE TO SELF: Buy more blackberries...and...do not take the simple things in life for granted)

Time Wasted...

Have you ever had one of those moments when you pass by the television as you're getting ready for bed and suddenly, something catches your eye? You know, like a dog headed in one direction until he or she detects some interesting smell that will send them running in the opposite direction?

I don't know if it is some type of heady subliminal messaging from the commercials I've seen for months before this television "event" occurs or if I've been brain washed from the onslaught of life played out on television as "reality" or a simple lack of focus and that if I had stayed on track, I would have completed my nightly rituals and gone to bed. And I would have received two additional hours of sleep! Whatever the case is, I can honestly tell you, I will never get back those two hours I just lost watching this ridiculous show.

Mind you, this two hour "event" held me captive, as if I had been forced to undertake this loss of time. As if I were strapped to a chair, completely unable to move, with a television set placed 6 inches from my face. I spent two hours, TWO HOURS, staring at the television with my mouth hanging open half of the time, and the other half was spent in a variety of somewhat insane behaviors. Talking to the television as though the people can actually hear me. Laughing out loud, somewhat hysterically, while watching someone cry their eyes out on live television. Walking away shaking my head and muttering to myself...only to nearly break my neck running back into the livingroom when I hear the commercials end and the show begin again. Good grief!

I have such an intense day at work tomorrow, and now...I'm still awake at this late hour, focused on this dumb show because now I'm WRITING about it! OMG! What madness I am participating in.

Yes...you may be thinking to yourself...don't turn on the television. I hear you loud and clear. Tomorrow that will be a probable solution. Tonight, however, it is time already wasted.

Six Years Lost and a Lifetime Gained

For reasons that no longer matter, I parted company with my parents for six years, during which time I refused any and all contact with them. My guardian angels and guiding spirits assisted God with creating a Divine opportunity last fall that allowed me to step outside of my egotistical self and initiate contact, and finally put an end to the stalemate I had established.

The what, where, when and why of everything is truly irrelevant and I only mention the six years lost in order to provide a glance at "then" so as to better understand "now". Everyone involved agrees without hesitating that the time apart was much needed for all parties to become more fully self aware and to resolve individual trials and tribulations that were unfolding prior to the split.

I thank God every single day for the time spent apart, as well as the time spent together now, because "now" is truly a lifetime gained. There were so many things I couldn't see, feel, understand, comprehend or accept then. And now...because acceptance comes first and serves as the ruling emotion...seeing, feeling, understanding and comprehending come so naturally, without effort.

It's been almost six months since the six years ended, and the moments we share now are so heartfelt, honest and meaningful. I'm discovering my parents as adults, without familial ties and agendas, and who they are as individuals, as a married couple, and as two people who are the foundation of who I am.

It took this time apart to find what was truly important for all of us. Life had become more of an obligation than a genuine want and need to participate in each other's lives. Simplicity exists now where complexity was rooted then.

Its the little things that are the most important to me now. Watching mom and dad work on their jigsaw puzzles reawakened my love of putting a beautiful puzzle together, and sparked a new "downtime" activity that relaxes and rejuvenates me. Conversing with dad in what at times can be heated political discussions are conversations that enlighten me and cause me to challenge my own knowledge of our government and our political systems, and how it affects our lives. Talking with mom and taking the time to really listen to her talk about her feelings and emotions gives me insight into the depth of her soul as a woman and as a mother and from that, I gain strength and inspiration to continue my journey of discovering who I am as a woman and where I'm headed in my life. Sharing stories of events that have transpired during those six years has helped me realize my mother has cried the same tears as I have during the process of a mother watching her children spread their wings and fly away.

My mom and dad are the very fabric of who I am, and I am so grateful they have opened their arms and welcomed me back into their lives. The "hole" in my heart is finally gone and my life is filled with love.