Have you ever had that thing…you know…that thing that you just can’t get rid of? The one you hang on to, for far too long, for whatever reasons you deem important? Be it a favorite pair of jeans, albeit two sizes too small, or a coffee cup from a frequent vacation spot that held a lot of meaning at one time, but in retrospect, you never really cared for the shape of the cup or how the handle fit in your hand.
I go through periods of evaluating these things from time to time. I enter the realm of “toss” with ease, and quite frequently. Out with the old and in with the new. If I haven’t used it, worn it, or looked at it in the last year, then it has worn out its welcome in my house and out it goes. But not everything needs to be tossed. Sometimes all that is needed is a little “repair”. An additional screw inserted into a hidden spot may save the wobbly chair…maybe. A fresh coat of paint might actually enhance that really weird piece of furniture that was perfect during a bizarre fad deco period, but doesn’t fit quite right with the comfortable earthy décor of current day.
The repair mode will always involve some level of uncertainty, depending upon skill and experience and overall desire to invest the time necessary to conduct the repair. Of course, any attempt to repair something may actually worsen the original condition, or…if handled with care and caution, the problem may be solved, letting the repair breathe new life into the thing that was once caught between repair and toss.
You know that in between place. The one congested with thoughts of “I know I need to get rid of this old thing…it doesn’t work for me anymore, but what if…?” or “why the heck do I still have this…but if I toss it, how will I know for certain that I may not want it again someday?” I will always find cause to hang onto a few things, despite the knowledge that I will never…ever…need it, want it, or use it again. I will shove it in a box and ignore it, even forget about it, for years. Then comes the moment of spring cleaning and “it” has been unearthed from under the bed or come out of hiding from the back of the closet. I look at it, evaluate its purpose in my life, and wrestle with whether or not it may hold some level of importance to me in the future, even though I know it holds zero importance to me today. I might need more time to think it over, and back in the box it goes, or under the bed, or in the closet, until the next time the need to clean out the closet arises, so to speak.
I rarely spring clean in the spring. Something about July always sparks a great need in me to grab every cleaning product imaginable, put in some good elbow grease and make everything squeaky clean and shiny.
As the month is coming to a close and I’m thinking over my spring cleaning list, I ponder those things that are out of sight-out of mind and quite happily realize that I’ve already repaired or tossed everything…except that one last thing. Can it be reformed into something that actually fits in my life? Is it worth the time or effort? I’ve thought about it for quite some time. I’ve held onto it for years. What should I do?
I close my eyes and breathe. I sit quietly and let my thoughts come to me naturally. Not the pack rat type thoughts, or even the ones that have a small ray of hope attached to them. I only let in the thoughts that are of true reality.
Ahhh…yes. I accept what I’ve always known. It will never be anything other than what it always has been. And even the tiniest hope of what it could be at a later time can never change the fact that it is what it is today. I no longer need to pack this thing around with me hoping that someday…maybe…with a little luck, it will be different. It has served its purpose during the time it fit in my life, but now, it can’t be repaired, remolded, or reshaped into anything other than what it is.
I smile and exhale of sigh of relief as I feel a newfound freedom envelop me like a warm blanket. I laugh out loud as I think of how many years I’ve been dragging this thing around with me, weighting me down every time I carefully thought about what I’m going to do with it someday.
I toss it in the garbage and walk away, still smiling. Finally, I’ve emptied my baggage!!
What was in my suitcase you ask??
Those rudely obnoxious, loudly stated and fashionably overrated, orange speckled-neon green spandex pants!!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tour Thoughts
Mont Ventoux looms in the distance
The tale of victory it will tell
For some, a podium stand in Paris
For others, an exit from hell
Many will have danced on the pedals
And some will have been turned inside out
Ventoux will be the ultimate proving ground
Ending weeks of speculation and doubt
Will Lance reclaim his mighty tour throne
Or will a Spaniard reign supreme yet again
From the descent of Ventoux to the Champs Elysees
Another Tour de France approaches its end
The tale of victory it will tell
For some, a podium stand in Paris
For others, an exit from hell
Many will have danced on the pedals
And some will have been turned inside out
Ventoux will be the ultimate proving ground
Ending weeks of speculation and doubt
Will Lance reclaim his mighty tour throne
Or will a Spaniard reign supreme yet again
From the descent of Ventoux to the Champs Elysees
Another Tour de France approaches its end
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Mail Call
Another ten hour work day ended at 5 pm in sweltering heat that is quite literally hotter than hell, not that I know for certain...but I can only imagine. I expended every measurable ounce of energy in yet again another mind bending exhaustive learning process in my new job. The drive home from work was spent in grandiose thoughts of air conditioning, my couch, and vegging out in front of the TV. My intentions of rest and relaxation were soon dashed when I retrieved my mail.
The envelope told me that Duncanville Photo Enforcement Program had important news for me. Photo enforcement? What?? Is this a traffic ticket??? There are two photo enforcement lights in my city and I hadn't had any problems at either of these locations, as best I can recall. Had I driven to the capital recently? I'm sure it is littered with photo traffic signals. No, haven't been there in a long time. And where the heck is Duncanville, anyway???
I open the envelope and more information is provided...I apparently violated traffic code by running a red light in Duncanville, TX...in April, and now had a traffic ticket to pay in less than one month. What??????
My mind raced like mad! Texas? I've haven't been to Texas in a bazillion years and I've never been to Duncanville, to the best of my knowledge. The picture of the vehicle registered to me isn't a vehicle I've ever owned, and how could this have happened? By now I'm running around like a complete lunatic! Frantic thoughts of identity theft are affecting my ability to think clearly!! Who am I kidding? I can't even think...I'm FREAKED OUT!! After numerous phone calls with family members to trigger lost memories of vehicles owned during my marriage that ended ten years ago , we all reach the conclusion that no...it's not my ex driving around with my license plate. Hey, I said I was freaked out, okay?
Wait one minute! The picture on the ticket is of plate number A123BC, but the written citation is for plate number A412BC, of which I am the named owner, that is according to the citation. By the way, the plate numbers have been changed to protect the INNOCENT!!!!!
Obviously I don't own the vehicle in the picture - or the license plate on the vehicle. But what about the plate number listed on the ticket...could it be the van that I traded in in 2002? Is it the Kia that was totalled in my car accident in 2004? Nope - neither of those. Is it Mr. MP's car that used to be Duce's first car - that we turned it into a junk yard when Mr. MP went into the Army? Nope - not that one either. As I breathe a sigh of relief that no one is rolling through Texas with a former license plate of mine...
It hits me like a brick!!!
What about Mr. MP's first vehicle? That money sucking hunk of junk was disposed of by Mr. MP himself via a towing company and auto shop. As he was a minor during the "first car" time frame, my name was on the title as well. Do I still have the records on this vehicle that was disposed of two and a half years ago? After relentless searching, and quite honestly destroying my neatly organized files, I found it! I found the file that was the vehicle in question! OMG - it's the license plate on the ticket! How the heck did this happen!!!!! What the heck is going on here? Can I in any way prove I don't own this vehicle? My mind has run amok again!!
Why on earth did I decide that January 2008 would bring new habits that didn't involve keeping every single document - FOREVER???? OMG - what have I done??? Why did I go on a shredding spree that probably matched that of Watergate??? Why????
Okay - it's all good. I do have a record of the disposal, in so far as correspondence with the Dept of Motor Vehicles is concerned. I have a copy of the part of the title that you send to DMV to release liability, and a second letter and copy of said liability release after a threatening "suspension of registration" was received. Again, this is two and half years ago.
So now the task at hand is to figure out why DMV thinks I own a vehicle I don't own, at least per Duncanville TX's records. With my summer work schedule of four 10 hour days - looks like I'm spending Friday morning at DMV. Wait...no I'm not. DMV is closed for the next three Fridays as part of the State's furlough program to cut expenses. Oh this just great! Ummm...can I have a few hours off work on Monday to handle this? I realize I've only been in my new job 3 weeks and was out last week due to illness. But time is of the essence!!
I should be grateful this "ticket" has come in the mail so as to alert me to the fact that DMV's records are not correct. But right now I'm more irritated than anything that I have to arrange time away from my job so I can make sure someone else gets their job done correctly. Sigh.
The envelope told me that Duncanville Photo Enforcement Program had important news for me. Photo enforcement? What?? Is this a traffic ticket??? There are two photo enforcement lights in my city and I hadn't had any problems at either of these locations, as best I can recall. Had I driven to the capital recently? I'm sure it is littered with photo traffic signals. No, haven't been there in a long time. And where the heck is Duncanville, anyway???
I open the envelope and more information is provided...I apparently violated traffic code by running a red light in Duncanville, TX...in April, and now had a traffic ticket to pay in less than one month. What??????
My mind raced like mad! Texas? I've haven't been to Texas in a bazillion years and I've never been to Duncanville, to the best of my knowledge. The picture of the vehicle registered to me isn't a vehicle I've ever owned, and how could this have happened? By now I'm running around like a complete lunatic! Frantic thoughts of identity theft are affecting my ability to think clearly!! Who am I kidding? I can't even think...I'm FREAKED OUT!! After numerous phone calls with family members to trigger lost memories of vehicles owned during my marriage that ended ten years ago , we all reach the conclusion that no...it's not my ex driving around with my license plate. Hey, I said I was freaked out, okay?
Wait one minute! The picture on the ticket is of plate number A123BC, but the written citation is for plate number A412BC, of which I am the named owner, that is according to the citation. By the way, the plate numbers have been changed to protect the INNOCENT!!!!!
Obviously I don't own the vehicle in the picture - or the license plate on the vehicle. But what about the plate number listed on the ticket...could it be the van that I traded in in 2002? Is it the Kia that was totalled in my car accident in 2004? Nope - neither of those. Is it Mr. MP's car that used to be Duce's first car - that we turned it into a junk yard when Mr. MP went into the Army? Nope - not that one either. As I breathe a sigh of relief that no one is rolling through Texas with a former license plate of mine...
It hits me like a brick!!!
What about Mr. MP's first vehicle? That money sucking hunk of junk was disposed of by Mr. MP himself via a towing company and auto shop. As he was a minor during the "first car" time frame, my name was on the title as well. Do I still have the records on this vehicle that was disposed of two and a half years ago? After relentless searching, and quite honestly destroying my neatly organized files, I found it! I found the file that was the vehicle in question! OMG - it's the license plate on the ticket! How the heck did this happen!!!!! What the heck is going on here? Can I in any way prove I don't own this vehicle? My mind has run amok again!!
Why on earth did I decide that January 2008 would bring new habits that didn't involve keeping every single document - FOREVER???? OMG - what have I done??? Why did I go on a shredding spree that probably matched that of Watergate??? Why????
Okay - it's all good. I do have a record of the disposal, in so far as correspondence with the Dept of Motor Vehicles is concerned. I have a copy of the part of the title that you send to DMV to release liability, and a second letter and copy of said liability release after a threatening "suspension of registration" was received. Again, this is two and half years ago.
So now the task at hand is to figure out why DMV thinks I own a vehicle I don't own, at least per Duncanville TX's records. With my summer work schedule of four 10 hour days - looks like I'm spending Friday morning at DMV. Wait...no I'm not. DMV is closed for the next three Fridays as part of the State's furlough program to cut expenses. Oh this just great! Ummm...can I have a few hours off work on Monday to handle this? I realize I've only been in my new job 3 weeks and was out last week due to illness. But time is of the essence!!
I should be grateful this "ticket" has come in the mail so as to alert me to the fact that DMV's records are not correct. But right now I'm more irritated than anything that I have to arrange time away from my job so I can make sure someone else gets their job done correctly. Sigh.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thought Provoking
I recently discovered the song "Human" by the band "Civil Twilight". The melody is so haunting and the poetry so profound.
"I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within
It's only love, it's only pain
It's only fear that runs through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
That make us human"
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Day and The Night
Yesterday was a windstorm of activity, training, and prioritizing. By the end of the workday, I was in a fiercely stormy mood, fed up with shouldering the burden of too many tasks for one person. I felt the frustration of another day's "unknown", and what began as a slightly irritable mood at the onset of the day became a full-on raging mental storm at day's end.
Then came the night. I had fully given in to the exhaustion I felt, unable to stay awake one more moment, and went into my bedroom where I fell on to the bed and tried to fumble my way under the covers...as opposed to pulling the sheets back and then collapsing onto the bed. Go figure.
No more than 15 minutes into my "falling asleep" mode, BOOM! The most intense clap of thunder right over my bedroom. The night lit up like strobe lights from a heavenly rave. Frustrated by the noise outside and my difficulty in falling asleep, I grabbed my Sony Cybershot and sat on the patio trying to capture the lightning. You have to understand my camera to know this was going to be another difficult task, on top of an overloaded day. But...what the heck - why not? When in night mode, my little camera takes about 30 seconds to take a picture.
Click.................... "capturing".................... "processing"............... okay - there's the picture!
Nothing there.
Click.................. "capturing"................... "processing"..................... picture review and...
Nothing again.
I took 30-40 pictures and went through this loooooonnnnngggggg process for what had to be a 1/2 hr or more. Then I gave up and just sat on the patio watching the torrent of rain, the sky "lights", and taking in nature's loud roar. I believed I had captured blurry pictures of the sky lighter than normal but the hope of anything spectacular was just that...a hope. When I loaded my pictures this morning onto the computer, I was pleasantly...no...I was ecstatic in my surprise of what I "captured".
Not too bad for a 1) night shot and 2) shaking hands because I don't own a tripod!
I went to bed very late. Playing photographer interfered with my need for sleep, as did Mother Nature's night show. But thunderstorms of this magnitude aren't as common here as they are in other areas of the country so a little less sleep was worth the "show".
As the forecast is calling for more thunderstorms tonight...will I opt for sleep? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Then came the night. I had fully given in to the exhaustion I felt, unable to stay awake one more moment, and went into my bedroom where I fell on to the bed and tried to fumble my way under the covers...as opposed to pulling the sheets back and then collapsing onto the bed. Go figure.
No more than 15 minutes into my "falling asleep" mode, BOOM! The most intense clap of thunder right over my bedroom. The night lit up like strobe lights from a heavenly rave. Frustrated by the noise outside and my difficulty in falling asleep, I grabbed my Sony Cybershot and sat on the patio trying to capture the lightning. You have to understand my camera to know this was going to be another difficult task, on top of an overloaded day. But...what the heck - why not? When in night mode, my little camera takes about 30 seconds to take a picture.
Click.................... "capturing".................... "processing"............... okay - there's the picture!
Nothing there.
Click.................. "capturing"................... "processing"..................... picture review and...
Nothing again.
I took 30-40 pictures and went through this loooooonnnnngggggg process for what had to be a 1/2 hr or more. Then I gave up and just sat on the patio watching the torrent of rain, the sky "lights", and taking in nature's loud roar. I believed I had captured blurry pictures of the sky lighter than normal but the hope of anything spectacular was just that...a hope. When I loaded my pictures this morning onto the computer, I was pleasantly...no...I was ecstatic in my surprise of what I "captured".
Not too bad for a 1) night shot and 2) shaking hands because I don't own a tripod!
I went to bed very late. Playing photographer interfered with my need for sleep, as did Mother Nature's night show. But thunderstorms of this magnitude aren't as common here as they are in other areas of the country so a little less sleep was worth the "show".
As the forecast is calling for more thunderstorms tonight...will I opt for sleep? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Caught Between The Beginning and The End
That's my life right now - I'm caught between the beginning and the end.
Lifetime wise - aren't we all caught between the beginning and the end? Of course, if the beginning is birth and the end is death.
But this isn't about my life - it's about my work, which seems to be consuming my life right now.
The Beginning? Accounting Specialist III in "Corporate Headquarters" where I was working split time in January. The End? Facilities Administrative Assistant at the Home Office.
I applied for and was chosen for my new job - at the urging of those who make budget cut decisions. So while it was a choice, it was a necessary choice, or else. Or else what, I don't know for sure. The discussions The Big Cheese and Ms. B (my soon to be new boss) had with me led me to believe "you better grab this opportunity or you might be left hanging".
My current position has about a year left of work to do and then who knows what would happen? Position elimination? Probably. No...Certainly.
I'm balancing the work of 100% of my position, 90% of a support staff position (who now works in the Corporate Office) and spending the next two weeks training for my new position. One person can't do all of this. Things are starting to fall through the cracks. The "just arrived task" carries greater importance than the "do this now task" that arrived 5 minutes ago. And so the "must do" tasks stack up, one on top of the other...waiting for the moment I can complete them.
I did the only thing I could. No, I didn't move into my office and set up house so I would literally eat and sleep my work. I reached out for help. Help has not arrived yet...but maybe tomorrow.
I am reminded of a poem I wrote June 19, 2006 when my work life seemed overwhelming at the time. What a joke! That was smooth sailing compared to today (and yesterday, and tomorrow).
Lifetime wise - aren't we all caught between the beginning and the end? Of course, if the beginning is birth and the end is death.
But this isn't about my life - it's about my work, which seems to be consuming my life right now.
The Beginning? Accounting Specialist III in "Corporate Headquarters" where I was working split time in January. The End? Facilities Administrative Assistant at the Home Office.
I applied for and was chosen for my new job - at the urging of those who make budget cut decisions. So while it was a choice, it was a necessary choice, or else. Or else what, I don't know for sure. The discussions The Big Cheese and Ms. B (my soon to be new boss) had with me led me to believe "you better grab this opportunity or you might be left hanging".
My current position has about a year left of work to do and then who knows what would happen? Position elimination? Probably. No...Certainly.
I'm balancing the work of 100% of my position, 90% of a support staff position (who now works in the Corporate Office) and spending the next two weeks training for my new position. One person can't do all of this. Things are starting to fall through the cracks. The "just arrived task" carries greater importance than the "do this now task" that arrived 5 minutes ago. And so the "must do" tasks stack up, one on top of the other...waiting for the moment I can complete them.
I did the only thing I could. No, I didn't move into my office and set up house so I would literally eat and sleep my work. I reached out for help. Help has not arrived yet...but maybe tomorrow.
I am reminded of a poem I wrote June 19, 2006 when my work life seemed overwhelming at the time. What a joke! That was smooth sailing compared to today (and yesterday, and tomorrow).
One Person
•
I am one person
With one person's energy
I am one person
With one person's abilities
•
I am one person
Doing the best I can
Giving it more than 100%
One person with one plan
•
Do what I can do
Let go of all the rest
I am one person
Doing my very best
•
I am one person
One person strong
Changing my attitude
Changing what I own
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Music and The Moment
Last week I was at work, firing on all cylinders, cranking out the work, and rocking out to music at a volume that may have been considered unprofessional, however, the level of melodic mayhem was do-able I think. (I hope!)
I had a great selection of mid to late 90s alternative blaring. "No Substance" by Bad Religion was playing, followed by "Gone Away" by The Offspring. Then it happened! In that split second the song started playing, I was transformed in time, like I always am with music! I remembered with extreme clarity the very first time I heard that song live. June 1997...okay...the clarity of the month may not be exact but we'll say it was June. "The Joint" at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. It was Duce's first concert. He was 9 years old. We rocked out hard that night!! He LOVED The Offspring and at the time, I was a pretty big fan as well (still am). I remember how excited he was when he found out we were going to the concert. We had so much fun that night. Sooooo much fun!! It's as if it happened last week, I swear. I can remember so many details of that night, including the ones I try forget, such as every single teen to twenty something asking me "Did YOOUUU have a good time??????" I couldn't have looked THAT OLD!!
Okay so back to last week. After the song ended, I stepped outside to take a break and gather my thoughts...and compose myself. Sister Y called at that very moment, and the minute I answered my cell, I started blubbering. Yep - I was crying...all because I heard a song that brought vivid memories of my little boy at 9 years of age. My little boy who is now a father. My little boy who, because of his work and family duties, doesn't always have the opportunity to call or get together with me. My little boy...
Wow - 12 years whizzed by like a speeding bullet. It seems like it was yesterday.
I just hope he knows, or comes to know, how magical those moments were for me. That song, that album (oops! CD), that concert with him...it is one of the musical moments that sprinkled the landscape of my life. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, whenever I hear that song, I will always remember that concert with my son, one of many precious moments of time shared with him in this lifetime.
I had a great selection of mid to late 90s alternative blaring. "No Substance" by Bad Religion was playing, followed by "Gone Away" by The Offspring. Then it happened! In that split second the song started playing, I was transformed in time, like I always am with music! I remembered with extreme clarity the very first time I heard that song live. June 1997...okay...the clarity of the month may not be exact but we'll say it was June. "The Joint" at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. It was Duce's first concert. He was 9 years old. We rocked out hard that night!! He LOVED The Offspring and at the time, I was a pretty big fan as well (still am). I remember how excited he was when he found out we were going to the concert. We had so much fun that night. Sooooo much fun!! It's as if it happened last week, I swear. I can remember so many details of that night, including the ones I try forget, such as every single teen to twenty something asking me "Did YOOUUU have a good time??????" I couldn't have looked THAT OLD!!
Okay so back to last week. After the song ended, I stepped outside to take a break and gather my thoughts...and compose myself. Sister Y called at that very moment, and the minute I answered my cell, I started blubbering. Yep - I was crying...all because I heard a song that brought vivid memories of my little boy at 9 years of age. My little boy who is now a father. My little boy who, because of his work and family duties, doesn't always have the opportunity to call or get together with me. My little boy...
Wow - 12 years whizzed by like a speeding bullet. It seems like it was yesterday.
I just hope he knows, or comes to know, how magical those moments were for me. That song, that album (oops! CD), that concert with him...it is one of the musical moments that sprinkled the landscape of my life. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, whenever I hear that song, I will always remember that concert with my son, one of many precious moments of time shared with him in this lifetime.
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